Plants VS Zombies: All We Want is Brains and Ice Cream

Quickie: Download, Don't Buy the Monotony

My friend Mike introduced me to a new Pop Cap game highly inspired by a drug called LSD Plants VS Zombies. Thanks Mike, like I need another addiction.

Most Pop Cap games, like Peggle, Bejeweled and Insaniquarium feature overly cute characters and colors, making people with ADD become hopelessly addicted to the simple point gameplay.

I do not have a problem with casual games, in fact I love something simple and un-complex every once and a while just to feel like I accomplished something greater than myself. Also, these games meant for hours of gameplay, mainly because of the repetitiveness and simple goals like, kill the zombies.



Plants VS Zombies in particular features classic cute-Mario-world inspired plants designed to fight hordes of classic and pop-culture Zombies. It’s a nice twist to the Zombieland, Resident Evil and Left 4 Dead genera by adding killer-cute plants because I think the theme has been a little overdone.

Sure, this game was a great short distraction, but the levels are too long for my taste and buying the full version just to use different plants doesn’t seem worth it to me. I just wish they would add a fast-forward button, because sitting there waiting for the wave of corpses to come was b-o-r-i-n-g.



It's a simple game for simple players and there was nothing wrong with it as long as you take it in small doses, just like drugs. The industry makes millions of dollars by creating cheap-repetitive-games based on the human nature's need for something cute, fun, cheap, and achieving a simple accomplishment.

So, go ahead and kill some zombies with a peashooter, but save some cash.

Demos, demos, demos! Bayonetta, Divinity, Dante and Left 4 Dead 2

Quickie: Ignore the Bayonetta, Divinity, Dante, but check out Left 4 Dead 2

I have to say Microsoft is genius for having downloadable demos available because they have to compete with Gamefly somehow and sucker you into paying 40-60$ for a new game. So, I tested out Bayonetta: First Climax, Divinity II, Dante’s Inferno and Left for Dead 2 to find the best game of the bunch based purely of their demos, which are supposed to make want to buy the game.

Bayonetta: First Climax

The first laughable issue I noticed was the title. First Climax a very sexual message to the player and was a precursor to the big-boobed, glasses wearing dominatrix ready to experience her first gunfight in barrel wielding heels. Yes, this game was a sex fantasy made into a game.

Then the opening movie, with reel holes, appears on the screen, explaining that there is some sort of church like power who condemned your parents for having sex with an angel and there was a revolt and you were freed by someone….to be honest it was so confusing, I had to watch it 3 times to understand it. There was a line between mysterious and confusing and Sega crossed it.



Ok, so the story was a little ‘say what?’, but at least the graphics were sweet and the battle system was button mash friendly, but dodging can be a little difficult with multiple enemies. There was also this ring/ halo collection which I did not understand, perhaps you have to earn angel points to be good enough for heaven.

Furthermore, the characters entire costume and posture say sex fantasy woman. Even when there was no wind her hair blew and she just looked so uncomfortable just standing there. Also, I could not stop picturing her leg blowing off because she broke a heal on her gun-shoes. Honestly Sega has inventive thoughts, but they were ruled by their peckers in this game.



The game looks fun, but it made me laugh too hard and the basic premise was fantasy dominatrix.

Divinity II

Yes another RPG game. The graphics are nice, the story was classic, ‘become a dragon slayer’, but the controls threw me off at first.

I understand video games need to be slightly different from each other, but there are just some buttons designated for certain actions. A or X is for social actions, B is for cancel, LT is for shooting the hell out of something….these are just examples, but most controls follow this basic pattern. This game threw me off by making LT a social action and even talking to people was a pain, they move too much and half the time the action doesn’t work.



Besides that, it really wasn’t unique from any other RPG I’ve played, except for using words like ‘willie-nilly’. Talk to people, earn points, attack things, it left me better off than Dragon Age did, but it really didn’t provoke me to buy the game.


Dante’s Inferno

Again, why does a mature rating on a game automatically mean uncovered boobage and graphically nasty gore. I’m not anti-gore, just when it’s excessive it makes me gag and wonder why logically the producers through it would add to the gameplay.

The scene, in the demo mind you, which bothered me the most was when the warrior sews his crusader cross to this own chest. This was not needed, it added nothing but shock value, especially because he was returning home to his wife, after defeating death, why would she sleep with him with that nasty infectious cross on his chest? But doesn’t matter, she’s dead.



This was where there were excessive boob-shots. No offense, but she was dead and her boobs didn’t look too hot with those blue veins. Otherwise the graphics were sweet and my eyes were in awe of how they were beginning to make Hell come alive.

The battle system was relatively simple, but you need some precision if you were going to survive through the demo. So it’s kind of half and half friendly to button mashing.



Lastly, the story seems a little weak to me. I can see the anti-middle-age crusades oozing though the pixels, but I fail to see why his wife was taken to Hell, especially when the Christian religion makes you pay for your own sins, not of others. Anyway, going to Hell to save your wife’s soul was darkly romantic, but a very heavy price to pay.

Furthermore, it showed the game would only have once setting, Hell. That’s it, dark, gloomy, fire and brimstone…to be honest I hope the game will be relatively short, because I could only handle so much of Hell and maybe that was the point.




I do like the inventive interpretation of the famous poem and hope it has more to offer in story and gamplay than the dark visions of Hell and no more dead-woman bobbies please!

Left for Dead 2

From what I head this game was mostly a glorified expansion pack, but I never played the first game, so it has a fresh view.

When I played this demo I noticed there was a option to play online and multiple versions of the game like realism, scavenge, versus, of course all the options weren’t available, but it was nice to see the verity.

It was fun, the graphics were sweet and the story was classic, zombie apocalypse, why not, this was way better than any Resident Evil game I’ve played. Mostly because it doesn’t rely on any cheesy antics it’s just survive or die with NPCs or friends.



However, as with most online games there are jerks out there but just report them and move on.

I am addicted to this game, it soothes my nerves, infuriates me with blood splatter and who doesn’t want to mindlessly fight zombies. Sure the characters chatter gets a little annoying after a while, but that is why you have an i-pod. Fun, fun, fun, it’s the only one I bought.

I Didn't Like Dragon Age Origins

For an added Christmas gift to myself I decided to buy a highly anticipated game, Dragon Age Origins. I’ve played many classic RPGs in my time and most of them seem very flat, difficult to control and riddled with clichés.

Unfortunately, Dragon Age meets most of the repeated disappointments in RPGs. One, customizing your character is a tedious task because it really doesn’t matter what you look like because it hardly effects the game and all of the choices are plain ugly.

In addition, there was only the plain human, pointy eared human, and short-stocky human to choose from.

I don’t know why realism transforms the game into a muddy brown mess of hardship, but it adds little to the enjoyment of the game and makes me sigh in disappointment at the graphics.



The blood splatter on characters just made me laugh and say ewww. I don’t understand why a Mature rating in a fantasy RPG means dark theme, with cussing and head to toe blood showers.

To further the laugh I thought the Darkspawn looked like Lord of the Rings orcs with a horrible skin condition. Seriously, they couldn't think of anything more original, at least add some thing outside of the generic fantasy spectrum. There are winged-wolves, stayers, giant puffer fish, giant eyes that can shoot lasers, cat people! Anything to at least stand out from the basic Dungeon and Dragons thought up by an eight year old.



The plot also made me question the writing skills of the team because at one point Alistair describes his character as the bringers of bad news and witty one liners. Honestly I liked him compared to Morrigan whose lack of social contact with people made her an annoying-sarcastic-monotone filler.

All the characters were flat, annoying and looked like they smoked pot from the bags under their eyes. I could not connect with any of them effectively to care if they lived or died.

The story itself has many choices, personally, I chose the Mage path and I hated how if you chose the wrong phrase to answer certain questions you would become stuck. No offense to the sandbox, but I rather have a guided game than dig through the sand only to find cat turds.



This plan would especially be useful in quelling tedious quests like Kill the Bears or Find Me a Pretty Pansy were used for filler and not the progression of the story itself.

The battle system was well planned for an RPG, but I hated having to understand how to play every character and develop them. Honestly I just wanted to focus on my own character and let the computer do the work for the other party members.

When I did return the game the employees at the store ragged on me for disliking one of the “best RPGs ever” and dictated to me how I chose the wrong story to play the game with. Excuse me, but shouldn’t any character choice be well rounded and written? All it lead for me to believe was there was just sheer laziness from the development team.

How was reusing classic enemies, redundant race and class choices, filler quests and flat character development counted as a fantasy RPG? There was little innovation in any of the storytelling aspects and it just made me yawn and hope for skip buttons. I think writers and game developers have reached a rut in fantasy RPGs. There needs to be come true creative inspiration to save this game genre and it has to be more than changing enemy names and adding a dragon.

11 Dumb Things in Assassin's Creed 2

In no particular order the dumb things in Assassin’s Creed 2:

1. Baby Wiggling

When you first play Ezio you are just a newborn baby and you are forced to make him wiggle. I just though this was a little silly, gross, and just because you have a mature rating doesn’t mean you have to show an actual birth.


2. It’s You Ezio!

I noticed that when Ezio’s name sounds like ‘it’s you’. I really don’t know if it was to make you feel like you were the character, but it’s a little stupid and just made me laugh.

3. Freaking Guards

The guards are either borderline moronic or plain ruthless. If I accidentally bump a person in front of them while I run they come out in full force to murder me. Holy Bob was that annoying. I guess they focused on making the game pretty, and it is, so the AI had to suffer.

4. Why is Leonardo here?

I’m sorry, but when a game places any famous historical character in game for the pure reason of using one of his inventions for one scene, it’s shameless lameness.


5. Tickle Me Pointless

I hate pointless treasure hunts in games. They add nothing to the story, are wastes of time, and are especially annoying when you have to complete them. Thankfully the feathers were an option.

6. I Have to Run to the Villa to Change

I noticed when you buy new armor it automatically assigns to you. However if you want to change any of your armor without buying it you have to go to your Villa to change. WTH? I can freakin carry everything else in hammer space, but not my armor? Oh NO! I have to run to the Villa to change. How stupid.

7. Un-friendly Button Mashing

For the most part it is simple, but I hated having to release buttons to attack versus dodge. It would have been so much easier if there were just one button mashing for each of the moves.

8. Dressin’ to Kill

Ok, I understand you have to have some distinction in your character, but Ezio is just advertising he is an assassin. His hood, cape, coloration, armor, would just
bring trouble around every turn. Also he would just drown in the water because he was so heavy.

9. Nobody Drank the Water

If this game is to be historically accurate, the water would have been filthy and Ezio would have refused to swim in it. Every time I had to swim, mostly by accident, I cringed imagining the poop and garbage floating about….ewwww.


10. Death by Wa-Wa

I thought it was actually hilarious to just push a guard/enemy into the water and wait for insta-death. I used it as much as I could because it just made fights easier and hilarious.

11. It’s a Me Mario!

One of the funniest lines in the whole game is when Ezio meets his uncle. When he said the fabled words “It’s a me Mario!” I instantly thought Nintendo is going to sue. Honestly they couldn’t find any other Italian names?

Of course it’s a matter of opinion, I loved the game, for the most part, It was pretty, thought provoking and made murder fun again.

League of Legends: Sweet

Quickie: Too Awesome, Download

League of Legends

Online real time strategy game (RTS) featuring Warcraft III graphics, creativity. as addicting as premium chocolate because having control of a demigod at your finger just feels right and awesome. The tutorial was easy to understand and play through, so when you play practice or competitive games you won’t feel lost.

There was also a great selection of charters to choose from, to meet your battle style. I was lucky to be apart of the opening weekend, so all the characters were open, now that the store opened I have to spend points, earned in game, to play my favorite characters.

My personal favorite was Annie. A little pink haired girl who skipped about and threw fire magic on you. She also has a little bear named Tibbers, who she can animate and lead him in a path of destruction.

Her catchphrases, all the charters have them, can be a little annoying, but she is a little difficult to play for a beginner.  So, here is a wonderful website to help you use your character efficiently: League Craft.  This site helps you play your character, choose the appropriate runes and just not suck.


I do not like how you have to have the final blow to earn gold from killing minions or other demigods, but it was compensated by having a constant flow of money over time.

There were also these mastery points which you can use to improve your characters general stats. They were like the talent trees on WOW.

I’m was just happy to see a game completely free, with excellent graphics, awesome gameplay, creative demigods, there was nothing to complain about. Support the game, download it now.

Mid-Evil Sim City: Evony

Quickie: No Need to Download it's Online FUN!

Evony was a fun and addictive Sim City type of game based in a mid-evil setting.

The controls were simple, clear and I especially like how it’s a strict internet based game, no downloading for hours only to discover the game sucks…yay.

You start with a seven-day grace period featuring basic tutorials. I suggest you go to http://evony.medievalgamer.com, for a beginners guide to success.

It’s also nice because you do not have to constantly maintain building, some of the projects take a long time, so you can leave the computer for a while.

However it is annoying how you can only perform one building construction at a time, but they do have items to shorten the time it takes and if the construction time is under five minutes it doesn’t cost any items to speed up.



In the beginning it’s a little lame because you’re weak and can only focus on building more stuff or upgrading stuff. I also do not like how it costs items to chat on the world server.

Building an army was also a little tedious, because you control every detail and you have to be careful how you spend your resources or you will be stuck with useless workers.

You also have to join a guild to be any threat against other kingdoms because you are just a tiny speck on the Evony map, easy pickings for anyone.

So, login at least once a day, otherwise you will be severely plundered after the seven day grace period. Also, you receive a free amulet that gives you free stuff once a day, but it expires, so use it.

In short, if you like Sim City, you will like this game, especially because it’s free.

Maplestory: Monkey Trainers...Really?

Monkeys...really?


Quicke: This Cake is Really Just a 2D Image

I’ve heard about Maplestory from some friends and for the most part they liked it at first, but gave up around level 15 because the game just abandoned them like orphan vampires.



It looked super cute and it had nice nostalgic feel with the 2D environment, but it lacked a creative story. It felt very strange to ask monkeys for tutorial steps, no wonder the kingdom was falling apart, the warriors are taught by apes.

I also thought the controls were too much like button mash paradise and the hit detector was shotty. It brought no joy to my life, it just depressed my inner gamer despite the cuteness.

Most MMORPGs have a dynamic story drawing you in, making you interested, active, but Maple Story just slapped your character in with monkeys to guide you.

There was nothing to communicate the character’s motive in the game and I thought carrying around a chair for your character was retarded.

The enemies pop up so much, there was not time to sit and it just looked lame for an adventurer to carry a chair. Just imagine a adventurer on WOW carrying a chair…



enough said.

Maplestory was too simple to enjoy and it just left me a little empty inside.